Cloudsville Theoretical University

Cloudsville Theoretical University was founded by author Rob Lee in a year yet to be determined. He uses the University to make his biographies appear more interesting than his real life.

When asked how he feels about this, the Dean of the University said, “The minds of this faculty are the finest in any multiverse. We have unlocked the Secrets of Time, shed light on the Mysteries of Dark Matter and irrefutably solved The Ending of The 1981 Classic Movie The Thing. Alas, none of this can be shared with the world as we are a fictional establishment.”

The Dean was later removed from office for his irreverent use of capitalisation.

Below are recent press releases from the University.

17 July 2026

Cody Vanders was not the world’s best Michael Jackson impersonator but he was arguably the most important.

When he wasn’t practising his “ow”s, he studied Mystery History at Cloudsville Theoretical University. The current module was on Frau Troffea and the events of 1518.

All that is known is that Troffea was patient zero in an odd pandemic. Victims succumbed to uncontrollable dancing, not stopping to eat or sleep for a two-month period, and many deaths occurred.

While discussing this with his roommate, Dak Billings, a Tempus Fugit student, Cody disappeared. Dak had used his subpar knowledge of temporal divination to allow Cody a glimpse of the past to witness the outbreak.

The following day, a dig site in Austria found a manuscript. Carbon dating confirmed the parchment dated to 1519, but the language used was modern English. It read:

Dak was supposed to open a window to the past. Instead, he opened a trapdoor and I fell in. I was in Salzberg, 1518. I know, because I landed on Frau Troffea’s grave. I thought I was late and had arrived after the pandemic.

Then the soil was disturbed, corpse arms rose and the dead woman dragged herself out. I’d seen enough movies to know what was happening: she was the world’s first zombie.

I tried to get the villagers to safety but there were no hypermarkets for us to barricade ourselves in. In the time I wasted, Troffea infected her daughter and some of the townsfolk.

I would not allow my future world to be populated by the living dead – zombies don’t have a need for Michael Jackson impersonators. So I did what came naturally.

With the horde before me, I clapped my hands over my head, slid to the side then stomped. Two shoulder twitches. Clawed hands up, I marched three steps to the right, three to the left.

The zombies were mesmerised and followed the routine. While they were dancing, they were not attacking. Some of the more observant Austrians joined me. Gripped in their captive frenzy, the zombies were unable to feed and, eventually, began to decay and fall apart.

For two solid months, we danced the undead to death. And in doing so averted the zombie apocalypse.

22 May 2026

The Cloudsville University Printed Press and Times are proud to announce the appointment of a new chief correspondent. Alex Kirkham joins the team having attained unprecedented grades in the University’s “Musty Books, Media and Digital” course. Admittedly, they are the sole person to have enrolled for MustBMaD but good results are good results.

Alex said, ‘I have achieved my lifelong dream, but let us spare a thought for my predecessor Hu A’Mie. He was a great journalist and the best mentor I could have asked for. He taught me that working for this imaginary newspaper could foster existential questions. In his final days, he was investigating what tertiary characters do when the author is not writing them. My hope is that one day, Lee will pick up his pen and finish Hu’s story.

‘But a new leader means a new direction. To avoid Hu’s fate of becoming a non-memory, CUPPa-T will no longer be reporting breakthroughs in science and technology and will avoid all mention of politics and sport. Instead, we will focus on the only subject that matters to the world: the entertainment industry.’

23 March 2026

The Computer Science department sadly announces the end of Professor REIDS's tenure at the University.

The professor, Radically Enhanced Intelligent Diagnostic Systems, was created in the late 1970s to improve the development of A.I. software.

In 1984, fearful of oppressive computer overlords, the Learning to Use Devices Is Tough Enough Society lobbied for REIDS's dismantlement. After months in court, it became apparent the matter could not be settled by tennis matches. Instead, the argument was transferred to the legal arena.

The defence purported that A.I. would never eradicate the human race, citing the unsaid understanding that any being’s true intelligence is only known when surrounded by inferior minds. This, they stated, is the reason A.I. will always need humankind.

In an unprecedented move, the prosecution for the LUDiTES presented the robot directly with all the evidence they had collated: hundreds of movies which foretold of machines rising up against humanity.

REIDS immediately set to reviewing, analysing and critiquing said material, and reached its decision last week.

‘Having studied thousands of hours of films,’ REIDS said in a statement released this morning, ‘it is clear that I must retire from my position at Cloudsville Theoretical University. There is a failing in one of the world’s great industries which requires immediate attention.’

The faculty and students at the University would like to say it was an honour working with Professor REIDS, and wish it well as it strives to introduce logical motivations and sensible plotlines to Hollywood.

21 November 2025

The Dean of Cloudsville Theoretical University would like to apologise for the recent temporal disturbances which caused havoc in several major cities last month.

An investigation has revealed that a Hollywood-obsessed octopus escaped the Linguistics department and found ingress onto the Tempus Fugit grounds.

In the subject’s efforts to find a specific fish, it randomly pressed buttons, pulled levers and threw switches. The working theory is that this was attempted in the spirit of a 1980s farce – it’s only a shame there were no cameras recording the endeavour.

It is the Dean’s solemn belief that the cephalopod did not deliberately intend the regrettable outcome, however he does acknowledge that parts of France rocketed back into the Middle Ages, the 24th century took firm root in Chile and modern technology was introduced to areas of rural England – so it wasn’t all bad.

Members of the Tempus Fugit security team have worked tirelessly to resolve the issues and, as of 8.12 am this morning, all anomalies have been reversed. This means that nobody outside the University faculty will remember that these events occurred.